It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
do what now??
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals