If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
what does he know…
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
good work, detective
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.