I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!