Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
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When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*