synchronized noseblowing
You Might Also Like
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.