Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*