My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
this came to me in a vision
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.