[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
cat vs inanimate object
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35