[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Social distancing in Australia:
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags