Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.