* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”