After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Sorry I made promises on Friday
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.