If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
You Might Also Like
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
work smarter, not harder
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.