I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.