being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting