Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.