me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*