Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
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January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air