Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
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Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.