that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
You Might Also Like
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Running from your problems is cardio .
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
#NoRestForTheWicked
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased