Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
everyone’s a critic
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!