<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Woke up against my better judgement again
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
sugar glider wrangler
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you