If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”