My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Basketball
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Uh oh…
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If snakes were wide