When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??