Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
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Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?