I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
You Might Also Like
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”