3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child