Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.