If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
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I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Oh hi lol
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
my dog when i have a friend over
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.