Venn
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again