How does one answer this?
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I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.