How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
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Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I told my vodka about you.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My plans: 2020:
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.