Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
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I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?