While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
This is I, Robot all over again
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table