5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
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Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
From Facebook just now…
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.