Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???