Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
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If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
He just like my cat fr
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”