Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.