[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I’m already scared