[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Yup.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.