employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
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To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*