Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure