[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Did…did a minotaur write this
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also