if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I triple waxed for this?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.