It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.