cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Look at this
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?