As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse