My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?