At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
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Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
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Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized